I Don’t Even…
What a week. What a weekend! I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I was watching a movie unfold, as if from a cushiony seat with a tub of popcorn and a medium half-diet-half-cherry Coke I followed this short, dark-haired pixie-like woman clad in trendy (necessary) dresses as she charged through one obstacle after another. “How is she doing all of this?” I’d wonder as the buttered popcorn kernels stuck in my problem back molars. “When does she eat?” “When does the plot arc and when do the redemptive good parts of the story unfold?”
The truth is, I’m not sure I’ve arced. But I am trying to savor every moment on this journey that is in every way shaping who I will be for the rest of my life. I find myself unafraid of conflict, not ashamed to ask for what I want or need. Pulling the cancer card is a phrase we banter about, because for many of us ‘doers’ and control freaks, the idea of asking for special help because of something we can’t control seems the most foreign, humiliating task.
But this character in my movie, she did everything right last week. She stood up to her doctors when she didn’t think they were fighting hard enough. She cancelled procedures when they didn’t feel right and she didn’t think she had enough information. She assembled her team to answer her whittled-down questions and didn’t move forward until the answers she heard made sense and were of comfort. Without apologies, she took the time she needed to race across town to pick up, sign, and drop off forms that would help her qualify for a program that will pay for the treatment she needs. She stayed up for hours Friday night, formulating with her husband the best way to regain the hours his boss cut with no notice. In short, she Erin Brokoviched the shit out of the last week, looking nothing like Julia Roberts (Amy Adams, a la Julie / Julia, maybe? Ginnifer Goodwin?).
This weekend, she babysat her best friends’ 2-year-old while they prepped for the twins they will be welcoming any day. She shared a Guinness with another best friend whom she hasn’t seen since Christmas, and made a date with one of her favorite people for last hurrah cocktails. She watched 5 episodes in a row of Nip/Tuck. She’ll be welcoming her out-of-town parents and sister in a few hours to share a picnic lunch. She will then be taking a long nap and preparing to start treatment next week.
My new guardian angel at the nonprofit that’s helping me get the IMRT looked me dead in the eye yesterday and told me I had something special. That I was together and confident and that she sees great things from me. She put exactly into words what I haven’t been able to say these last few weeks: “do you ever feel like you’re on a train that’s moving really fast, and you know you’re on the right train, and you know you’ll get to where you’re supposed to go, but all you can do is hold on for dear life and do what you can to stay on board?” Yes, Patty. Very much so.
Notes
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evolvinglogic likes this
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countingbackwards said:
Casting my vote for Ginnifer Goodwin in the MJP movie.
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countingbackwards likes this
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louise09 likes this
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ayunfinished reblogged this from pappenstance and added:
My gods, how true this is. How utterly simply this captures how I feel when I can’t walk to get my own medicine, or get...
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ayunfinished said:
God, you hit the nail on the head with the “cancer card” thing. Couldnt put it better myself…and I have tried. GO YOU.
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pappenstance posted this
