The Upside to Chemo Brain?
I’ve done the same 20-minute yoga DVD at least 10 times now, and I have yet to remember the sun salutations sequence! It’s like taking a new class every time!
Chemo Brain: Ensuring you don’t get bored with workout DVDs.
Five Nukings Down…
And I neither:
*Peed all over the radiation table
*Pooped myself in yoga.
This is no small victory. Welcome to the new normal.
Slept like a baby last night. If said baby, over the course of the evening, had enjoyed an hour of gentle yoga, a pint of Sierra Nevada, a gin & lemonade and an Advil PM. The point is, I slept my face off.
This might also have to do with the fact that at 10 minutes to 5 yesterday evening (schedulers’ witching hour, I’m coming to realize), I not only had an updated CT scan appointment (1:30 this afternoon) but a consult with my medical oncologist (chemo doctor) on the books as well!
So, now that I’m on the other side of the hurdle, may I present a cancer FACT: a patient’s feelings of anxiety and fear are inversely related to the treatment progress. It sounds like such a ‘DUH’ statement now that I have it in writing. But I didn’t realize how in control I felt before hitting that first snag (how lucky am I, really, to have only hit my first snag at 7 weeks since diagnosis!). And how far I was able to spiral in 24 hours upon hearing that my progress was at a standstill, even if only for a couple of days.
But now I’m back, on top of shit again, locked and loaded with all sorts of vagina jokes. Bring on the “sharp little prick!” MUAHAHAHAHA….
Today there was no CT scan, full bladder or otherwise. No “sharp little prick” (doc’s words!) to mark the cancer’s movement in my hoo-ha (can somebody PLEASE hit me with a that’s what she said!). Nope, turns out this journey has yet another stepping stone. A half baby step, if you will. I have not been approved yet by my insurance for said procedure. I believe it was just a timing thing: I saw the doctor yesterday and the lovely folks at the insurance company may not have gotten her paperwork in time to approve a procedure for today. Still, it is beyond me that an asshat in a suit, instead of a caregiver in scrubs, can have the authority to approve or deny health care. BEYOND.
Even without the CT scan, this may have been one of my worst days so far. I’m tired and not sleeping well, but what wakes me in the middle of the night is something a bit inexplicable. I don’t have ‘monkey brain,’ with its everflowing stream of thoughts, like what used to keep me up nights before I got into yoga. I just wake with a terrible feeling, deep in my soul. It’s ugly and it’s black and it makes me feel so weighted down and AWFUL. It’s like an amplified version of when I wake up sick with the flu, when I’m deep, deep in sleep until a nagging gnawing slowly grumbles me awake. Only these nights I don’t have to go puke, I just lay there miserable. That’s me for the last couple of nights, when I’m not having nightmares about my oncologist coming at me with long, sharp instruments.
So I was exhausted today. Just…Meh. Feh. Unh. Bleah. Blarf. All of it. Anxious, nauseated, feeling beat to shit, somehow I plugged through. Since my appointment was canceled, I was able to muster enough strength to go to yoga before I headed into work for the rest of the afternoon. After that, I really turned it on at my first group meeting for my PR side project. Nobody there knows I have cancer. They all just think I’m kicking ass like normal. I did have to pat myself on the back for that one. Later, a quick appearance with JLP’s work buddies for a dear friend’s going away party. Everyone there DOES know I have cancer, so they didn’t get too hung up when I bailed early or stared blankly at them in perfect Mandy Zombie Mode (it’s a thing. Ask JLP).
Now I’m trying to make myself tired enough to possibly avoid waking in the middle of the night again. I’ve never pleaded so desperately with myself to just sleep through the night. Strange thing, this cancer.